


How Ron And Hermione Finally Get Together Even Though Ron Is An Idiot And Hermione Is An Ugly Wench That Totally Isn’t Good Enough For Ron

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-11-07
Updated: 2005-11-07
Packaged: 2019-01-19 20:59:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12418044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Harry, still strangely apathetic, did not even acknowledge her for fear that Ron would overreact to anything he said and begin throwing chess pieces at his head. Ron overreacts a lot, which is why they played with someone else’s chess set. Maybe nobody was in the common room because Ron throws temper tantrums at everything.Hermione, however, was not ...





	How Ron And Hermione Finally Get Together Even Though Ron Is An Idiot And Hermione Is An Ugly Wench That Totally Isn’t Good Enough For Ron

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

Inspired by: Really out-there pairings [Dobby/Ron, Hagrid/Buckbeak, Snape/Pikachu, Harry/Draco/Whomping Willow, Harry/Flobberworms], Cliché Stories, Mary Sues, people who write Fanfiction from the movies. In case you didn’t know, UST is unresolved Sexual Tension. 

 

How Ron And Hermione Finally Get Together Even Though Ron Is An Idiot And Hermione Is An Ugly Wench That Totally Isn’t Good Enough For Ron

 

Ron was sitting in the common room, playing chess with Harry as he always was, because he never does anything else. Harry was strangely apathetic to the fact that he was playing chess with someone who was obviously much better than he was, and yet he played, knowing he was going to be defeated in about eight moves. The common room was completely empty as it usually was when Harry and Ron played chess, or talked, or did anything. Ron must have forgotten to shower after Quidditch, because he is so thick, and people left because he smelled.  
It was definitely not Harry, though, Harry was perfect. Duh. Ron was a boy wonder, because stupid people are not usually brilliant at chess. He pulled a _Forest Gump_ or something.  
Harry was not only uninterested about chess, but also everything else. We know that he-accidentally- killed his parents, his Godfather, countless muggles, and a Quidditch rival, Dumbledore, and yet he was still miles away from having an emotional breakdown or mental health issues. He was only sullen and slightly more moody than normal. He was apathetic.  
Suddenly, Hermione wandered into the common room from the girl’s dorm, because she never goes anywhere else with anyone else; her only friends are clearly Ron and Harry. Harry, still strangely apathetic, did not even acknowledge her for fear that Ron would overreact to anything he said and begin throwing chess pieces at his head. Ron overreacts a lot, which is why they played with someone else’s chess set. Maybe nobody was in the common room because Ron throws temper tantrums at everything.  
Hermione, however, was not offended because she was reading Hogwarts, A History, for the 97th time, and did not notice. Ron just stared at her longingly, until his chess pieces began biting his hand. Hermione’s hair looked like it was going to eat her head, because it was so incredibly bushy and impossible. Perhaps people were never in the common room because they were afraid Hermione’s hair was going to eat them.  
Hermione was just settling down in front of the fire, because there is nowhere else she would want to read Hogwarts, A History for the 98th time, like outside by the lake, when Professor McGonagall ran into the common room.  
“Holy smokes!”� She ejaculated, “Hogwarts is being attacked and you, Harry, a strangely apathetic seventeen year old, being an adult in the wizarding world, must come and defend us because I, a seventy eight year old witch in my prime, obviously am less powerful than you. Come now and save us, plzkthx.”�  
“Mk. Be there in a few, Gonny,”� Harry retorted, and McGonagall swished out of the common room to go have some more Ginger Snaps, because that is all she eats. This caused Harry to pull off his robes to reveal his incredibly toned chest that is no longer scrawny, since you can’t go crime-fighting in school robes, when Ginny ran down the stairs and flung herself at Harry.  
“No! Harry! You cannot leave me for her! I love you!”� Ginny sobbed, and wiped her nose on Harry’s chest. Harry looked confused, and then regained his apathetic mask.  
“Ginny, you know that I would never leave you for McGonagall, we’re not dating, so I can’t leave you.”� Ginny looked perplexed, before replying.  
“Oh. I must have missed that chapter. Okay, then. Have fun. I’m going to go snog Dean/Seamus/Draco/Lucius/Tonks/Millicent/Dobby now,”� and she wandered off, satisfied that her boyfriend was not leaving her for an older woman. Harry then turned to his friends Ron and Hermione, and Neville and Luna. Nobody noticed Neville and Luna sneaking in, and nobody was surprised that Luna was sitting in the Gryffindor common room even though she was a Ravenclaw. They must have built up immunity to Ron’s smell, and conquered their fear of Hermione’s hair.  
“Friends, I am really sorry to tell you that you can’t come with me. Now I know that you would usually put up a fight, but you have loads of UST to take care of, so I am just going to go kill a dark wizard. You have a good time. Bye yo.”� Neville shrugged at Luna, but Luna, being the only idiot Ravenclaw just gazed dreamily out the window, not noticing the conversation. They then left to go snog. Ron turned to Hermione.  
“Hermione,”� he ejaculated loudly, his voice cracking, “I love you. No, don’t speak. I am not finished. I am not good enough for you. You deserve better, like some big lumpy Bulgarian man with a unibrow. I just had to confess before the series ended and people started pairing you off with me. I’m going to go fling myself in front of Harry when Lord Voldiewhosits curses him, so that I turn into the Martyr and everyone forgets me and only remembers The Boy Who Killed Voldemort For Real This Time.”�  
“Wait!”� Hermione cried, throwing herself in front of the portrait hole so Ron could not leave without climbing over her. “Ron, I have a confession too. I love Buffy. Wait. I mean. I love you! But I am not pretty enough for you, because we all know that you are totally obsessed with looks and not interested in anything else. In case you have not noticed, my hair has the tendency to eat people, and I am kind of bossy. But because you don’t love me, I am going to go and make out with Ginny, or maybe Snape because people think we’re really good together. Just wanted to tell you before you go and kill yourself. I have to go to the library and reread Hogwarts, A History, again. Byes.”�  
She stood up from in front of the portrait hole, and allowed him to pass, but as he did, they fell on top of each other and had sex. And even though she normally would’ve used protection, she wanted her first time to be ‘special’, so she became pregnant. They decided that they would get married and fall in love, and maybe even name their son Sirius/Remus/Albus/Ron Jr./Percy/Peter/Lamaquenesha. Harry, of course won against Lord Voldiewhosits, and he married Ginny, even though she was sleeping with someone else at the time. Eventually he decided that he looked better with Draco and they got married and had metrosexual children through invitro fertilization. The end. (For now.) 

 

AN: Thanks for reading! Please review. Love!


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